Being The Socially Awkward Kid

I Hello there all,

Tonight,  I went to a birthday celebration for a wonderful person full of genuinely interedting individuals.  AND It is difficult to put most of this into words because as much as I wish to be a typically open individual,  I am never this person.  Honestly,  I don't think that it is because I have trust issues.  It is more from some formula combination of not thinking that I am interesting,  feeling socially awkward, and not knowing how to approach subjects.

Let's talk about me at parties:

I so want to be socially engaged in conversations with others,  and I enjoy participating in these conversations.  However,  I often sit on the sidelines awkwardly fiddling with my hair because I dread approaching others to instigate conversation.  Once the conversation has started, I stress over making myself eloquent/witty and I trip over my words being terribly awkward.  What I have to say has validity,  and it is often times interesting.  BUT I trip and trip and trip untiI l am scared to continue.  Occasionally, the conversation will fly past my awkwardness, but I have to go do something (bathroom break,  grab a drink,  etc.)  and the group has dissipated into several directions upon my return.  So,  I feel aimless because I feel so strange lingering near groups of others to engage in conversation with that group. So,  I gravitate to new spots or stand awkwardly/alone while others interact.

I am getting better at the  art of small talk and the "getting to know you sentimentalities",  but I am just a terribly awkward and fretful girl that still greatly struggles.

In addition to these things,  I am not a fan of talking about myself which often hurts a conversation.  I can easily engage in a one sided conversation that is just a Q and A of the other person,  but if they ask me things,  I feel like the spotlight is on. This takes me back to the fear of saying the wrong things.

This is why at parties I: gravitate towards children/dogs (no social protocol),  keep myself busy doing strange things (don't know how to interact=finding something to keep me busy),  talking to those I know, and exploring random areas.

So,  here is to being the socially awkward kid around town and for trying even when you know this about yourself.

-Autumn