I Hello there all,
Tonight, I went to a birthday celebration for a wonderful person full of genuinely interedting individuals. AND It is difficult to put most of this into words because as much as I wish to be a typically open individual, I am never this person. Honestly, I don't think that it is because I have trust issues. It is more from some formula combination of not thinking that I am interesting, feeling socially awkward, and not knowing how to approach subjects.
Let's talk about me at parties:
I so want to be socially engaged in conversations with others, and I enjoy participating in these conversations. However, I often sit on the sidelines awkwardly fiddling with my hair because I dread approaching others to instigate conversation. Once the conversation has started, I stress over making myself eloquent/witty and I trip over my words being terribly awkward. What I have to say has validity, and it is often times interesting. BUT I trip and trip and trip untiI l am scared to continue. Occasionally, the conversation will fly past my awkwardness, but I have to go do something (bathroom break, grab a drink, etc.) and the group has dissipated into several directions upon my return. So, I feel aimless because I feel so strange lingering near groups of others to engage in conversation with that group. So, I gravitate to new spots or stand awkwardly/alone while others interact.
I am getting better at the art of small talk and the "getting to know you sentimentalities", but I am just a terribly awkward and fretful girl that still greatly struggles.
In addition to these things, I am not a fan of talking about myself which often hurts a conversation. I can easily engage in a one sided conversation that is just a Q and A of the other person, but if they ask me things, I feel like the spotlight is on. This takes me back to the fear of saying the wrong things.
This is why at parties I: gravitate towards children/dogs (no social protocol), keep myself busy doing strange things (don't know how to interact=finding something to keep me busy), talking to those I know, and exploring random areas.
So, here is to being the socially awkward kid around town and for trying even when you know this about yourself.