Real Talk: My Relationship With Food

Hello there all,

I'm going to open up and talk about something that is kind of nerve wracking to talk about.  It is kind of silly that it makes me nervous because it is something that you can all tell by looking at me or watching me as I am an overweight women. What am I talking about? I'm talking about my relationship with food. I overeat.

We all have a relationship swith food whether we want to or not,  but food and I are real tight.  I consume and consume and consume.  Do I hate it?  Of course I do!  Do I stop?  Sometimes.  I want to at least.  Here's the thing: food is my comfort measure,  and I turn to it all the time. If I'm sad "well,  I'll just eat to make me happy." If I'm stressed, "Well,  if I eat,  it will take my mind off of it for awhile." If I am happy,  "let's eat to celebrate!"  Ugh,  it is awful,  and I know it. 

To add onto that emotional attachment,  I also overeat due to not wanting to waste.  It kills me when people waste anything or trash anything that doesn't need to be disposed of.  So,  I will eat the food,  so it doesn't get thrown away.  The habit is terrible, but I still practice it eating too much constantly.  Want an example?  Sneaking into the kitchen to eat the last little bit of something because I know it will just get thrown away

Over the years,  I've tried myself to fight this battle and train my body to interact with food differently.  I trained myself to dislike food and only eat things that are healthy.  Last time I went through this mindset change,  I lost 70 pounds.  It was a wonderful feeling and accomplishment.  However,  life happened and shit just got a lot more complicated.  So,  I again turned to food.  The best friend that is always around.

Right now,  I am trying so hard to train my mind to realize that I can love food and interact with it in a healthy way. I can eat things that are healthy and view food as a good thing- not the enemy.  Whenever I try to shift towards being healthy,  I always hide from food and don't embrace it for this delectable art that it ism  ALTHOUGH,  it doesn't mean that I have to eat all of it.  By saving the last bit, I can even save some for later to savor those last little bits.   Food is not the enemy.  It is how you interact with food that can be the enemy.

I'll keep you updated with how I am doing on this battle.  Right now,  I am happy to say that I am eating healthier (and loving the food) ,  signed up for a gym,  and I feel amazing. However,  I know that I still have more work on my relationship with food,  and I am terrified that I will fall off the slope again.

-Autumn

Being The Socially Awkward Kid

I Hello there all,

Tonight,  I went to a birthday celebration for a wonderful person full of genuinely interedting individuals.  AND It is difficult to put most of this into words because as much as I wish to be a typically open individual,  I am never this person.  Honestly,  I don't think that it is because I have trust issues.  It is more from some formula combination of not thinking that I am interesting,  feeling socially awkward, and not knowing how to approach subjects.

Let's talk about me at parties:

I so want to be socially engaged in conversations with others,  and I enjoy participating in these conversations.  However,  I often sit on the sidelines awkwardly fiddling with my hair because I dread approaching others to instigate conversation.  Once the conversation has started, I stress over making myself eloquent/witty and I trip over my words being terribly awkward.  What I have to say has validity,  and it is often times interesting.  BUT I trip and trip and trip untiI l am scared to continue.  Occasionally, the conversation will fly past my awkwardness, but I have to go do something (bathroom break,  grab a drink,  etc.)  and the group has dissipated into several directions upon my return.  So,  I feel aimless because I feel so strange lingering near groups of others to engage in conversation with that group. So,  I gravitate to new spots or stand awkwardly/alone while others interact.

I am getting better at the  art of small talk and the "getting to know you sentimentalities",  but I am just a terribly awkward and fretful girl that still greatly struggles.

In addition to these things,  I am not a fan of talking about myself which often hurts a conversation.  I can easily engage in a one sided conversation that is just a Q and A of the other person,  but if they ask me things,  I feel like the spotlight is on. This takes me back to the fear of saying the wrong things.

This is why at parties I: gravitate towards children/dogs (no social protocol),  keep myself busy doing strange things (don't know how to interact=finding something to keep me busy),  talking to those I know, and exploring random areas.

So,  here is to being the socially awkward kid around town and for trying even when you know this about yourself.

-Autumn